Mothering a gifted girl and self-growth

As a mother, have you ever felt jealous of your gifted daughter? Have you ever felt like she has it all, she is young with endless possibilities in front of her, or living in times when women are increasingly empowered? Have you, sometimes, even felt like undermining her?

Then, you are not alone.

Bright young women can catalyse intense feelings in their mothers. They are intense, strong-willed, creative, smart and sensitive, and seem to have integrated both masculine and feminine traits in a way that can allow them to reach self-fulfillment, self-independence, self-expression as future grown-women.

Never have opportunities been so many than at this time in history. Think about it: women can now live on their own, pursue a career that they choose, they can divorce without experiencing a strong a stigma such as their mothers did, they can decide not to have children, they can shatter the glass ceiling, and they can (fill in the blank).

If you watched the movie ‘On the Basis of Sex,’ depicting the path of Ruth Bader Ginsburg, you could not help but feel startled at the different environment women lived in 50 years ago, and the environment we live in today.

Needless to remind you of the corsets our predecessors were imprisoned into, the glass ceilings, the prejudice that prevented women from even dreaming of what a self-chosen life would look like. Women were expected to conform and not to make too much noise, they were implicitly asked to follow their husband and father, to bend and swallow their individuality. Sometimes, a black sheep would venture beyond the family and society paradigm to explore life on her own – but at what cost? In a modern version of being ‘burnt at the stake’, this courageous female would have to bear with judgmental looks, unsaid and silent opinions of those who did not dare, even smearing campaigns preventing her from rising. What a stress, pressure and burden to carry, for just being herself…

How sad to think that often, those attacks came from other women whose grief, anger, feelings of powerlessness and self-disappointment were so strong that their only outlet was to consistently sabotage those female trail-blazers.

In this context isn’t it natural that mothers of bright daughters experience feelings of sadness and anger when they look at their child’s or teenage daughter’s promises?

It is.

Yet, while it is only normal and understandable to want your daughter’s life, to want to start it all again, to want to scream at her that she lucky when you were not, it is not fair, nor acceptable, to express those feelings and let those patterns speak in ways that are hurtful to your child.

Yes, your daughter is young, her skin is glowing and fresh, she has support, our society has evolved in the way it views children’s education and girls’ education, but is she responsible for what you did not experience? Is it her fault if you feel dissatisfied with certain aspects of your life and would like to tear it apart?

While all those feelings cannot be denied or brushed away, they invite you to look deeper into yourself. Your daughter invites you to examine your unlived life and face all the ways you abandoned yourself – whether it is by not speaking up, by following others’ opinions, or by talking yourself out of your most ardent dreams.

From this standpoint, can’t you see what a gift your daughter is giving you?

Yes, it will take courage and commitment to yourself to face the pain and inner misery ; yes, it will take changing your habits and your thoughts about life’s possibilities – but, isn’t it worth it?

You have the choice: keep on the dance as you always did, or turn inward and start the journey of personal revolution.

Can you share your underlying fears and perceived limitations? Your sharing will allow others to see that they are not as alone as they might think.

Warmly,

Marion


Marion Franc is a Coach for gifted children, teenagers and their parents. To enquire about mentoring possibilities for yourself and your child, you can send an email at: info@caringforthegiftedchild.com

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2 thoughts on “Mothering a gifted girl and self-growth”

  1. I’m glad you wrote this. I’ve been convinced since I was 12 that my mother is jealous of me and constantly trying to sabotage my progress in life and my self-esteem. She insists that I follow the cultural norms and be like the majority of other girls and then women as I grew into adulthood. She hates everything about me that I personally like and think makes me special, qualities I’m actually trying to hone. She hates my intellectualism and wants me to adopt personality traits that are classically deemed feminine, to worry more about fashion and whether I’m superficially popular among other women than developing myself as a person. She’s gone so far as to spread rumors about me among our Buddhist group when I was a teenager and tried to actively get others in the group to take sides with her against me for being too into intellectual and spiritual pursuits and not going to parties and doing things other teenagers typically did. She would tell them all kinds of lies about me to get them to dislike me so I wouldn’t be able to rise up in the ranks of leadership. She was so unashamed of this behavior, she didn’t even try to hide it. And most of the women really did end up siding with her against me. The men did not, which only irritated the women even more. No one would ever believe me that she did these things. This article is the first acknowledgment I’ve ever seen that mothers are capable of doing stuff like this to their daughters.

    • Hi Shannon, Thank you sharing your experience with us – that’s courageous.
      Your testimonial exemplifies what can happen to bright girls.
      Fortunately, human beings are extremely resilient and though it’s not an easy path, they can recover from trauma.
      Warmly,
      Marion

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